Time’s Up – Choose a Side

This sexual harassment/assault thing has really pissed me off.  A very long time ago something absolutely wrong happened to me and I dealt with it and put it away.  It’s not bothered me for over 30 years and I’ve seen some shit, too.

I’ve never really told anyone.  I’m not ashamed of it, because I know it wasn’t my fault and it doesn’t haunt me or anything. I just didn’t want the sympathy. I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me, because it didn’t break me.  It didn’t define me nor will it ever.  I think I’ve actually dealt with it really well.  Until now.

It is very difficult for men, especially white men, to imagine that they could be overpowered. I assure you that roofies would work on you, as well.  You could very easily find yourself waking up in a strange place with your pants loosely around your ankles will all the telltale signs of assault.  I don’t have to spell them out, because they’re running through your head.

Tell me how you’ll feel after that.  Safe? Violated?  Feel like you want tell people? Be part of an outreach group for recently raped men who drive trucks and carry guns? Are you going waltz into the ER and ask for a rape kit?  Maybe some HIV prophylaxis?  Tested and swabbed for chlamydia and syphilis? Yes.  You’ll be fine.  You’ll probably recover 100%, with no lasting trust issues or bad dreams.  You probably won’t even have any PTSD.  You’ll  be able to go to bars with your friends and not worry about your drink again, won’t you? I mean, if your friends want to hang out with you after you tell them what happened and how you didn’t fight the attacker off.  Since you chose to let that happen because you were dressed too provocatively.  When did you say no?  Not once the entire time you were unconscious.

The answer to the question is always violence.  “If someone tried to do that to me, I’d kill/crush/destroy.”  No, you wouldn’t.  It’s painfully hard to make that point to people who think it can’t happen to them or a loved one.  And if it did happen to a loved one, what would you do?  Your daughter, wife, mother, grandmother?  What could you do about it, really?

There are a million adages that run through my head.  The one about telling girls not to get raped v. telling boys not to rape.  Don’t let your boys be boys.  Don’t even say that.  Isn’t some other mother/father/grandparent saying that exact thing to their child right now?  So that you can be their victim?  We have to band together and teach the same message.  It is not okay to touch someone without their consent or knowledge.

It is not okay to make someone feel unsafe, just because you can and you want to.  Quite the opposite.  You’ll get a lot farther if you make them feel safe and then prove it to them.  Intimidation is not attractive.  Fear is not consent.

When I worked in the ER I saw the best and the worst in people.  I’ve seen countless young women come in after being assaulted.  I’ve been asked not to go into an exam room because they’re having a problem with men right now.  Understood.

I’ve witnessed the police and EMTs downplay a crime because, “…she was asking for it.” In a pencil skirt?  Logistically, they’re impossible to move in, let alone get pushed up far enough to actually get access.  No, that’s why her legs are covered in bruises and her skirt and pantyhose are shredded and ripped.  I’ll never forget that night in the ER.

There’s no sweeping this under the rug.  It’s here now, ripe for the addressing.  Address it before someone else does, or it gets swept back in the closet.  Stand up and make your voice heard.  It’s the only way we’re going to see change.

And if you’re a woman and you’re able to support people like Brett Kavanaugh, then you’re asshole. There’s absolutely no saving you and I don’t want to know you or talk to you.  It’s an uncomfortable topic for a reason.  It shouldn’t be.   That’s why people don’t come forward for 30 years until you’re about to be able to help shape the law of our land.  That’s a pretty big deal, people.

The message I want to state and restate right now is to vote.  Vote your conscience, not this petty party-line bullshit.  We can make a difference.  I just hope that “they” have gone far enough that we never have to be here again in my lifetime.

PS:  When I was in college, I was sound asleep at 2 something in the morning and my phone rang.  I was a girl that was in my program and she was calling from a house that was having a party and it went sideways.  She was in an upstairs bathroom and didn’t think she had much time before something bad happened.

Without question or lecture, I drove to where she was and walked directly into the house, up the stairs and knocked on the door.  I was 90% sure I was going to have to call her and talk her out of the bathroom because she was so drunk.  She wasn’t really.  She was afraid that they wouldn’t let us leave or that they’d hurt me too.

Not. Tah-day, sister.  We left.  Walked right out the front door holding her hand.  I think we went to Steak n Shake and got fries or something.  She did not spend a lot of time partying for the rest of the semester unless we were all together.  It was a strange semester, that one.