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April 13, 2017 / memoriesofagoldfish

Chapter 44

I’ve been calling this life reboot “Chapter 44,” since I started FMLA in February.  It has stationary, a playlist and a font.  Do you ever get to a point in your life and you look around and think, “What the hell is going on here?  Where have I been?”  Chapter 44.

Whathadhappendwas…My doctor put me on a really high dose of an anti-depressant.  I don’t believe I need an anti-depressant.  I have anxiety issues.  Excessive rumination, mostly.  So I was on that for about 5 weeks when we discovered (I was tweaking my balls off and losing time and not able to remember simple instructions, comprehend reading, pee and my anxiety was OFF THE CHARTS) that it was the wrong med for me.  I get it, results may vary.

So we decided to take me off of it (detox), but it’s a process and I felt like hammered shit for the better part of 4 weeks (in Texas.)  When we decided to do that, we decided that I might benefit from a break from work and some therapy, which I heartily agreed to.  I was off work for 6 weeks and I successfully “detoxed” from the med and got some great advice from a therapist.  Honestly, if you’ve ever said, “I should talk to someone about that,” you should.  It’s not just for hipster douchebags and rich people.  Anyone can do it.

It wasn’t a vacation, it was a reorganization.  Work was killing my brain.  Every day it was something new that wasn’t really.  Leadership was/is terrible and I was always exhausted and I never felt like I ever made progress.  Every day was like Groundhog Day.  I was burned out.  I needed a break to reset and this felt like the best way.  When I brought the note from my doctor in that morning, I knew that I would not be returning to work there.  I know them.  I know how they operate, I knew they would figure out a way to terminate me.  I did not think that they would let me sit at my desk for 5 hours with no computer access because my boss’s boss is such a chickenshit leader that he couldn’t even tell me not to bother coming in and HR was unaware, as in, not present for my termination.  “After some reorganization, we’ve eliminated your position, sign here.”  K, bah.

I am, however very thankful for Short-Term Disability insurance.  It gave me time and resources to pull my head out of my ass and see that job as toxic.  Those people are living their lives so crooked they have to screw their socks on.  My therapist and I laid out a nice map of the toxicity.  So toxic, was  the environment and why do people stay there?It is some sort of witchcraft.  I only worked there for 3 years and I think that the 6 weeks of FMLA helped me detox from there, as well.  I’m ready for whatever comes next.  I will go after it with a club if I have to.

During my time off I decided that I would go back to school and see about completing this, now useless, degree.  Turns out credits expire.  If my credits expire, can my student loans expire?  Seriously, $74,000 worth.  I’d also like for Betsy DeVos to consider resigning…just throwing that out there.

After some research, I found another school where my credits will transfer (Seriously, how can a 100-level English Writing class expire?)  I’m 100% pursuing that.  See above,  Club.

Ultimately, I couldn’t quit them, I couldn’t leave.  I tried in the past, but it was just an exercise.  Some part of me wanted to stay there and help fix it.  The broken is so many layers deep that even the layers have layers and an outer crust.  It wasn’t for me, it never would have been.  I learned so much and hit a plateau where there was no more to learn without help or guidance.  There wasn’t anyone to help me move forward after I got stuck and they don’t pay for anything, so I just sat stagnant.  I got great yearly reviews and maxed out on my raise and bonus 2 years in a row.  Whatever happened did not happen because of performance.  Maybe my boss figured out that she’s not my favorite?  I don’t know how Karma works, but it appears it front-loaded on her.  She’s a bit of a disorganized mess, just not mine anymore!

Overall, I am glad they let me go.  It is a chance.  A chance to escape, or stay.  I’m thinking about my choices and I think that whatever I do next will be a much better adventure with much better results.  Come along, gentle readers, won’t you?

I. Am. Free.

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