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November 12, 2014 / memoriesofagoldfish

Stores Open on Thanksgiving. Choose a side, choose wisely.

I don’t think for a second that this is news or that it’s news-worthy, but I do want to take time out of my day to bitch about it. The only people who really need to care are the people that actually have to work on the holiday. Everyone else getting their panties in a knot isn’t helpful. I used to want to slap people, open-handed, in the face at Blockbuster when they’d say, “Why are you open on Christmas?” Are you kidding me with this shit? Because you’re here. And you’ve brought your children.   Children you have no hope of controlling and each of them has 3 movies in their hand and you’re asking me why the new release wall is so empty. Newsflash! Some people assumed that we weren’t open on Jesus’s birthday and got their movies yesterday. That’s why you’re stuck watching Universal Soldier 6: Santa’s Hideout. (Is JCvD still a thing?)

Hospitals, police and fire departments have to stay open for the holidays, why aren’t we picketing in the streets for them? OH! Right…because you’re stupid Uncle Doyle doesn’t think about things like displacement or defrosting. When he puts the turkey in the hot oil on the front porch and it spills over and ignites the grease causing everyone in a 10 foot radius to need skin grafts, he’ll need the fire department to put it out police to direct traffic around his residence and superfund site and the hospital staff will need to be there to debride his wounds.  And that’s the Lord’s work.

I hate the holidays because it brings out the worst in people. I used to have to go to Mark’s parents and participate in a festival that I didn’t quite understand, because their customs were far away from the Christmases of my youth that I just sat on the fringe and ate shrimp cocktail until I had chest pain.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved them after the first Thanksgiving and Christmas that I went through. I got it, I picked up what they were putting down and I did my best to Beat the Cleavers at their Christmas shenanigans. It always felt like a race. This year they can enjoy Christmas with Mark’s new husbands. I don’t know how many more versions of his alternate lifestyle they’re gonna be able to take. Truth in reporting: I will miss them.   They were nice people and I don’t really have people like them here. I have people, they’re just…different.

I digress.

…brings out the worst in people…YES! The people who are shopping are filling their empty lives with crap they don’t need (me) and the ones that aren’t are probably stuck at home with a bunch of people they don’t see very often and try really hard to understand.

I loved Black Friday.  I’d get up in my sweat pants and pullover and a hat and hit my 3 favorite stores, Target, Best Buy and sometimes Walmart…but only once and it was scary.  It was like Walmart Bosnia…burned out cars and little kids with their clothes ripped off holding onto a doll head by the pigtail, sobbing uncontrollably for their mom…that they knew they were never going to see again because she is waiting in line for the 60 inch Improvazon TV.

Now the fun is gone and I’m not picking through anyone else’s leftovers.  I’ll just wait until we get our senses back and start letting people have their day.  THEN…I’ll get up at 4 am again, ready to crush some skulls.  But not for leftovers.

Stay home, people.  How do you get so mad about retailers being open on Thanksgiving that you decide to picket? I have a guess…you get so mad because your family is making you crazy and you think that everyone should have to be trapped with their families, too. And since they can’t, by golly, you’re going to rally yours and go picket the mall. Except Starbucks. They have hot coffee and you need that to do the Lord’s work.

What will our next cause be? Oh Sally Struthers, please guide us…please.

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