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February 23, 2015 / memoriesofagoldfish

House Hunters Made You an Asshole.

You’ve seen them. You know who they are. “This kitchen needs updated.” Uh…but the kitchen has new floors, a backsplash, granite and stainless appliances. But…you don’t like the faucet, so you’re going to demo the entire space and start over. And, it’s already $25,000 over your budget. If it’s that much over, I don’t think you mean “budget.” Because mine is written in the blood of a sacrificed virgin and can’t be compromised so whatever yours is may just be a guideline. Or a target on a dartboard.

House Hunters makes you think that it’s okay to talk to your designer like they’re your personal manservant and to change your mind 400 times on where you want your stove. Yeah, okay. No. If your shitty behavior causes me distress when I go shopping for countertops at Lowe’s because they say that I should buy 3 samples and take them home to see how they work in the space, um…no. I picked the color I want, please send someone to install it. I’d prefer they have a strong back, because I’m a little out of shape.

My biggest beef with this search is that everyone and their dog is telling me to buy a house.  I appreciate the feedback ,but when have I ever listened to advice like:  look at 100 houses. Okay, but now I’ve missed the good house that I wanted that was all updated and had everything in it that I wanted and now I’m trying to find that house again. I’ve been looking for 6 months. It’s just that I didn’t have a pre-approval before.

Now I’m all approved after fawning over a cute, total gut and remodel flip in Lawrence that was the cutest thing EVER. I heard that I couldn’t buy a house, so I got pre-approved. Now I’m hearing that I haven’t looked at enough houses. It’s the age of the internet and HD pictures, I assure you I can see ugly carpet from here and Zillow knows me…like, really knows me.

I can also find a house, fall in love and then go look at it and decide I never want to see it again. That cute, total gut and remodel flip only had accommodations for a stackable washer and dryer. Remember when I posted pictures of my ginormous new washer/dryer on Facebook? Yeah, not happening. Dealbreaker.

Two bedrooms and two bathrooms would be ideal, but I can deal with 2 and 1. If I could get 3 bedrooms, a full finished basement with 2 bathrooms and a new kitchen and freshly refinished floors and a small fenced in yard I’d be in heaven. I’m talking to you 8th street bungalow. Pending sale, indeed.

“It’s the biggest purchase you’ll make in your life.” No, I’m pretty sure that will come next. This is a starter house. It will probably end up a rental. My next house will be the one where I fuss over the details and leave no stone untouched or have the money to have all the details and stones touched.

“You have to look at a lot of houses. Don’t buy the first one you see.” No shit. I’d be a fool if I did that, but I have to fall in love with the first house and go look at it, and fall back out of love. If I look at 15 houses, I can pick one that I like in an area I like.

“Your agent works for you.” Until today, he’s driven me around sketchy neighborhoods, made me carsick and asked me to repeat myself about 100 times to the point that I don’t want to talk to him. Get a damn hearing aid and stop making phone calls to your tenants. I know you’re a slumlord. I can tell because the woman you were talking to on the phone was named “Candy,” and she pays you rent in cash.

I have a list. I’m checking it off as I go and when I get everything checked in, I’ll pull the trigger. I just wanted to look at 3 houses, be an asshole about the one house, buy it and move in. DING DONG…Two months later…And I’m done.  It’s how it happens on TV and those people never have to write 700 words on a blog that gets very little traffic complaining about themselves. But…here we are.

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