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April 22, 2014 / memoriesofagoldfish


So…just a quick update about how things are going and how much progress I’ve managed to make since the separation in January. I know you’re all curious and you’re support level has been great. This is really hard to do but I’m rounding a corner.

I have paid off all of my creditors, my job is super easy and low-stress and it looks like I’ll be making enough money in the next year to re-fund my 401k. We really did take a lot out to move. My car is above luxury standards (take THAT, Maybach!) and I couldn’t be happier with my living situation. It’s as if I’ve rediscovered a piece of myself that I didn’t even know existed. Sharing the same brain…always working toward a common goal…finishing each other’s sentences. It’s really what a marriage should be. Not to mention our palatial estate gives us plenty of room to escape each other and have gentlemen callers without ever having to do any shame walking. I have my own wing…she has her own wing…it’s great.

Just kiddin’! Up until last paycheck I was only working part-time and making minimum payments so that I didn’t get myself in trouble with the credit card companies and clutching my meager savings with both hands and a trained guard dog.

It’s going to take me 40 years to re-fund my 401k at this rate. I can’t retire until I’m 127.

The real stuff tho: Vicki has been amazing and I couldn’t do it without her. While we are a like in many ways and she’s been really patient. I’m still fighting bouts of memory loss and I forget to do things like put away lunch meat after making a sandwich, or I leave my clothes in the washer for 7 or so days and have to keep rewashing them so I don’t have to wear funky clothes that give me swamp ass. She’s been very tolerant the last few weeks while she’s been dealing with her own stress. I’d like to personally commend her for not turning to alcohol and Xanas…any more than usual. Atta girl!

Work? Well…Just last week I got gum stuck in my pubic hair. True story, I was on the mug doing my business just before I started the paperwork I decided I didn’t want to chew my gum anymore. I thought it would be a capital idea to spit my gum into my hand and gently drop it into the bowl between my legs before moving to the next portion of my quest. That didn’t work.

What did happen was that as I flipped the gum from my fingers it altered the trajectory from the bowl and into my bush. Horror-stricken I tried to snatch it back out. Funny thing about warm gum and humid nether regions… “Matted” is the best way I can describe what happened. So I decided to move on to the paperwork stage of the show and go to my desk and get scissors.

On the way to my desk my boss stopped me to give me a quick update about something and I told her I had to hurry back to the bathroom to cut a loose string from my pocket that was snagging on something in my pants and causing them to unravel. All I could actually think about was the longer I postponed the “extraction” the worse it would be. It might stick to my underpants and I have no idea what I’d do about that. Flush them?

It has been great for dating because I won’t be tempted to sleep with anyone until it grows back in. For now, you can find me on OK Cupid under the screen name “Patches.” The scissors also did not return to my desk. I won’t say whose desk they’re on but they’re not on mine.

On a serious note, I’d like to thank everyone that’s been supportive or said something supportive or thought positive things in my direction. I appreciate it more than you know. This has been kinda hard and in many ways it feels like a death that I don’t feel like I have the right to grieve, because he’s not really dead. He’s alive and well in Pennsylvania. But it doesn’t help fill the hole he left in my life. Sometimes I feel like I’m spinning my wheels but every day is a step forward and I feel better about everything.

So thank you guys. Sincerely.


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