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February 15, 2014 / memoriesofagoldfish

Mulligan.

I’m not sure where to start on this one because it’s been a month and a half and I’m still not sure what I’m doing, where I’m going or what I should be doing or headed to. I also don’t think I should have to know any of that shit. I’ve had a million ideas and thoughts that should lead to something but I’m afraid to bite the bullet or take the plunge or whatever people in my situation do. I’m frozen by the fear of failure or a bad decision. I’m still waiting for the bank to come get my car because I don’t trust that I really got it, that it’s really mine.

Here goes: Mark and I were together for 10 years and we decided to get married. Since we’d been together that long it seemed like a great idea I loved him (still do) and he said he loved me. Plus we could use the tax break because it cost a lot of money to move to PA.

We got married on December 21. Then, ON MY BIRTHDAY, less than 2 weeks after he promised to love me in front of God and a legal representative from the State of Delaware, I picked up his iPad to use while mine charged and found a conversation between him and one of our wedding witnesses where Mark professed his love for him and assured him that he completed him in a way that I never could. Complete with self-nudies.

I don’t think if it had been a normal conversation and it was just him and some guy trading nude selfies I would have been calm. But I was calm. I still am. To have someone you love so completely and to whom you’ve just pledged to continue loving and supporting and taking on the world every day say to someone else that you weren’t good enough for all of him. That this new person he’s know for 4 months was a better match for him than I ever could be. My following him to Colorado, moving to his home state, supporting him mentally and monetarily while he worked on his PhD and continuing to believe in him when other people didn’t. No, I did not see that coming. Not to mention I say to people all the time with complete facetiousness that they complete me. (Jerry MaGuire, anyone?)

My friend Josh was visiting from Ohio and investigating school opportunities in the Philadelphia Metro Area so I walked in to the living room where he was sitting and handed him the iPad and asked him if I was awake. He confirmed and I texted Mark asking him why he married me. Why waste my fucking time? Why have the new love of your life sign his name to my marriage certificate? Why let me believe that we would continue our lives together until we died, in sickness and health…yadda, yadda, yadda if you didn’t mean a word of it? Why make the vow? Why wreck my life for what I can’t imagine will last 6 months.
I could be wrong about that one, but the new boyfriend already has a partner of 15 years. They have 9 dogs together. So Mark is their third and I would have been their fourth. He had planned on giving me an ultimatum when he got home from Denver on my birthday. I could accept this or he would leave. Because he doesn’t do ultimatums. You see the irony, right?

I’m a lot of things. I’m a fool for not seeing it. I’m ashamed in ways I can’t make enough excuses about for staying with him for 10 years. He’s lied and cheated on me before and every time he gets caught. And every time I take him back. I loved him, I really did. Still do. I think that when people think poorly of themselves, they do things like open relationships. I let Mark wander around. I even tried it myself. It never felt good. I never really enjoyed it because it was Mark I was supposed to be with. I know it works for a lot of people, but it doesn’t work for me.

That, friends, was the beginning of the end. In order to stay with Mark and have him love me I had to devalue everything that was important to me. A relationship built on partnership. I allowed other people to be with him so that he’d stay happy. Just to keep him coming home to me. How long can I keep that up and not lose part of me. Silly.

I fell in love with his family, too. I love his parents. His brother and sister in law and cousins Dave and Joelle. Even his sister liked me at first. Everyone on the East Coast is AWESOME. People came out of the woodwork to wish us well and welcome me to the family. It was nice. So nice.
They were always glad to see me and I always felt welcome. Now I’m supposed to say goodbye to them? No.
Mark was supposed to get home late on my birthday eve, he chose to go see his new boyfriend first and only spent a few hours with me on Saturday to discuss what was going to happen. How much input he’d get and what was my timeframe for leaving. Got a watch? Time me. Fast and as soon as there’s a break in the weather. He continued to say that I was the one that was doing the leaving, not him. This wasn’t his doing. It was mine. I chose to leave so I would have to bear the brunt of the consequences.
Um…do you have a head injury? On what planet are people so devoid of morals that what you just did to me would be okay? Who will be on your side? Who is supporting you? The new guy? Well, I think you can probably get some bad advice from him. Probably not the best life coach for you right now.

I don’t think he thought I’d really do it, but here I am. Slap in the middle of Indiana and I have no fucking idea what I’m supposed to be doing or how long survival mode will last. My only plan is to go back to PA to get the rest of my stuff and my cat and disappear from his life until we can get divorced. Which is going to be a while.

Maybe someday we can be friends, but I’m not really ready to play nice. What he did was sociopathic and cruel. I’ve had people be mean to me, but not from my life partner, my best friend, my lover…my husband. And who knows, I may not like the person he is after I rediscover the person I am. Honestly, who would let someone do that to them without a trip to jail? I don’t know that I’ll like the person he is when I remember who I am without him.

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